[DISCLAIMER: People who know me in person know: I don't like Radiohead. In fact, I would go so far as to say I strongly dislike them, and sometimes hate them. Golly! So if you're an ardent Radiohead supporter or just out to troll me, I'd just stop reading now. It gets ugly from here and I don't want to have to wipe your tears off of my blog.]
In today’s musical climate, not liking Radiohead is on par with going to film school and not having seen The Godfather, or not really liking Citizen Kane (of which I’m also guilty. Oops!). Usually, despite my boiled-down explanation of “I just don’t care for ‘em,” people tend to rationalize for me: “you just don’t like them because everyone else likes them,” “you haven’t heard the right stuff,” and “you just don’t get them” are common – the latter, especially. I appreciate their efforts to get inside my head, but it’s MY sin – a sin that’s damn-near impossible to justify, but here goes nothing!
First and foremost, it’s their music. Most of the time, it just does nothing for me. I used to say “they suck,” or if I was in a particularly bad mood, “they fucking suck,” but I’ve since changed my wording. I can give credit where credit is due: they’re talented and they’re obviously doing something right, and not even in the way that, say, Taylor Swift is doing something right. But their collective efforts rarely (if ever) pique my interest. You’d think after 20+ years of being a band, they’d have more than a handful of songs that reel me in. And I’ve given them a chance, too: I’ve definitely listened to most of their albums at least once: OK Computer, Kid A, Hail to the Thief, In Rainbows, and most of The Bends. It’s not all bad; it’s just by no means all good.
Think about it this way: Radiohead are praised for the synthesis of 1) their technical proficiency at their respective instruments, 2) their diverse influences in their compositions and 3) their haunting, ethereal production and arrangements. Fine. I can see that. But if I want virtuosic musicianship, I’ll go with technical metal like the Dillinger Escape Plan or something proggy like the Mars Volta. If I want forward-thinking, outside-the-box songwriting, the most obvious choice to me is Anathallo. If I want dreamy soundscapes and lush accompaniment, I’d rather be listening to Sigur Rós or Godspeed You! Black Emperor. And if I want the perfect synthesis of all three, easy: Pink Floyd. Radiohead has no room in my listening habits. They’re simply less qualified. Natural selection! Even Darwin has my back on this.
The other side of this is their background, the motivation behind what they do. Personally, I don’t think alt-rock – even artsy alt-rock – has any business being pretentious. It’s counterintuitive to the aims of starting a rock band (though, fortunately for Radiohead, it backfired and they’re one of the biggest acts in the world). For example, using an ondes Martenot just for the sake of using an ondes Martenot is pretty lame. Who the fuck knows or cares what an ondes Martenot is, anyway? Wouldn’t your music have been equally poignant with a soft-synth in its place?
And if your new album is simultaneously trying to channel the film scores of Ennio Morricone and the Beach Boys, that’s all well and good – I just wish you wouldn’t tell me about it, because it makes you sound like a fucking snob! Maybe not even that – it just sounds like you’re going through great pains to make strikingly “original” music, all the while sucking the fun out of the entire creative process. It shows, too. No wonder Thom Yorke sounds so miserable – he comes off like one of those “artists” who are never quite satisfied with their work, which usually means they’ve lost sight of the reason they make art in the first place. And yeah, “art is hard” and not necessarily about fun or positivity, but I find myself unable to relate.
And the third thing that really bothers me about Radiohead is the kind of fans they attract. I know I have to be extra careful with this, because that description encompasses, like, everyone in the galaxy except me (it’s pretty safe to assume that sentient beings from other planets we have yet to discover are into Radiohead). The band has broken out of what would otherwise be an “art music” niche and found widespread appeal with almost everyone. The artistic, introspective types listen to Radiohead because they’re a band after their own heart. The too-cool-for-school hipster types listen to Radiohead too, either because Pitchfork eats it up (ergo it’s trendy) or because they’ve like totally influenced this obscure indie band they like (but only their first album, obviously). The hardcore kids and the punks and the metal fans listen to Radiohead to show that they like more than just aggressive nonsense. Hip-hop heads listen to Radiohead because they include just enough electronic elements to be sample-worthy in an ironic, “hip” way (see: Girl Talk, Minty Fresh Beats). Even the empty-headed bros listen to Radiohead too, to come off as “deeper” and more sophisticated than their sports jerseys, SUVs and Dave Matthews CDs might suggest. I don’t doubt that all of these people genuinely like Radiohead, and that’s completely fine; in my experience, though, a lot of people tend to have agendas in liking Radiohead, and I’m less okay with that.
Harsh, I know. But look on the bright side: if I really hated and had no respect for Radiohead whatsoever, I wouldn’t even give them the time of day and you wouldn’t be fuming at this blog entry right now. People forget that: the worst thing you can do against an artist is to not talk about them. And like I said, I can give credit where credit is due. “Fake Plastic Trees” is a beautiful song. “15 Step” is great, especially since I’m a sucker for odd meters. “The National Anthem” is groovy and has fuzz bass (the way to my heart is through a Big Muff Pi). “Paranoid Android” is pretty interesting and has nasty guitar work. And “There There” is probably my favorite song of theirs. But those are about the only five songs I can tolerate regularly, and I think I burned out “Fake Plastic Trees” a few weeks after I heard it when I was in high school.
You mad?